Monday, August 13, 2012

The cheese.

It's a little corny but I want to write down a memory from this past weekend that I don't want to forget.

Cousin's wedding up north. Family and friends a'plenty. Booze flowing. Feet sore from dancing.

My brother walks up to me on the dance floor, puts his arm around my neck/head and gives my sweaty forehead a big kiss.

My brother and I don't always get along but he's got my back and I know it. And vice versa. It's a good feeling. I got to dance a lot with Captain Mikey that night and I'm a lucky girl for it.

Sibling love. <3 br="br">

P.S. My brother is a Pilot, hence the silly name. He was one of my cousin's groomsmen so it was even printed that way in the program at the wedding, hah.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Today I feel so low. I rack my brain, trying to think of things to do, to be productive and to make me happy. And then I get this familiar feeling of sadness, and realize that no matter what I do right now, I'm not really enjoying the time.

I need an escape from the basement and my thoughts but things that I consider doing, I wonder why I'd ever think I'd like doing that. Or waste my time on that. Because I'm just not going to enjoy it, anyways.

It's a sad feeling, one that I've known before. I can't shake it. Maybe getting a job and some routine will help, but, I didn't feel like I was enjoying life even before I was let go.

What the hell am I here for? I know there's a bigger reason, for all of us. But what is mine? I need to make some decisions and start living and enjoying my time? I've said this a bunch of times before but now is THE time.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

A feeling. That I'm destined for something. It washes over me life comfort and assurance. I can't stop wondering when I'm going to realize what it is. It feels big. Maybe not monumental. I may not change the world. But I know. It's too strong to deny. I'm going to do something amazing with my life.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Five things.

1. My best friend (since Kindergarten, wow!) had her first baby this morning, at 8:20 a.m. Her name is Mackenzie and I hear she has a full head of dark hair. Jo is blonde so she won't be pleased that Mackenzie is already taking after her father. ;) I am so giddy and happy and everything under the sun! I've known pregnant people, of course, but no one THIS close to me. A friend that I've known almost all my life. It's insane and beautiful and the best thing ever.

2. Some sad news to go with the happy but, that's life, right? Lain's dad had to make a hard decision yesterday to put down their sweet, loving Bullmastiff, Sadie. No word of a lie, this dog was the best. She was sweet, kind, loved people and kids, to go for walks. That's pretty normal. But she just loved people. You could've left your newborn baby with her and felt safe, knowing that she'd never do anything to harm anyone. I only got to know Sadiekins for about six years but she was 10 years old; she lived well past we thought she would. I'm just really sad for Lain and his family because they truly loved her so much. Pets are so hard. I can't imagine myself not having any but the thought of losing them is too much.

3. It's been SCORCHING hot here for the past couple of weeks. Seriously. The other day was so bad, I was hot while sitting inside with the air conditioning on. Anytime I went outside, even to sit, I felt like I was dying a slow death. It's broken now and kind of gloomy today. Weather forecast is calling for rain. I'll take it.

4. Buying a bike soon. I keep saying it but I've finally found a place that actually sells the brands I'm interested in. Bobbin Birdie | Pashley | Linus Dutchi 3 - opinions? They're all made in the UK, I believe. A bit pricier than I wanted to go but the more research I've done, the more convinced I am. It's a good idea to spend a bit more, when the quality is so good. If I take care of it, it could last me years. Plus they're all kinda pretty. :)

5. I still need a job. Was offered a sale position but it was strictly commission so I had to turn it down. Interviewed for a Communications Coordinator position at a good company, closer to home than my last job was. Hope to hear back from them soon. Either way, it was a good experience and it allowed me to find out about a new company. If I don't get it, I'll know it wasn't meant to be. I just need to be patient until the right thing comes along. But, I also need to work harder at actually applying to places. It's hard to find stuff that I'm interested in and admittedly, I've had a bit of a rough time with anxiety/depression, since losing my job. But things will get better! I'm determined to make them better.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012


1. If I had to survive on only tuna sandwiches, I could. Gross? Sorry, but I love it. Lain and I are in the process of being able to make the best tuna sammich at home, because so far, I've only had the best ones at little hole-in-the-wall places. And man, they were delicious. So I need to perfect it and get my own little cafe up and running. If only!

2. I can't stop thinking about NYC. It was magical and life-changing. It was hot and frustrating at times because of the amount of tourists but when they went to bed and you were able to connect with the people who actually inhabit the city and it's many boroughs, I really fell in love with the place.

3. Lain and I are getting excited about some fun things we have planned for the near future! We're going to a Sam Roberts concert in July, planning a camping trip for just the two of us, planning cottage trips with friends while my grandparents are off traveling and finally, a family wedding! I seriously think this is going to be a great summer.

4. I need a job. I'm surprisingly not overly anxious about the whole ordeal, mainly because I know I'm pretty awesome and will find something eventually. This all happened for a reason and I need to go with the flow, to figure out why and where I'm really supposed to be. I'm going to be nerdy here but even just being in NY made me realize that. It all connects, people.

5. I'm thinking of taking a course to become a Life Coach. Silly? I've heard some mixed reactions but I need to work with people; it's my passion. When I started talking about the "job" it made me really excited. So, we'll see. I have a lot of silly dreams but I really just need to take the steps to try and see if they're a good fit and if not, I can move on. I also want to take singing lessons. This must happen ASAP.

P.S. My new motto that I totally stole from the Kardashians: YOLO. But really? They're right. Fuck 'em all!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Word of the day: unstable.

Trying not to: have a serious meltdown.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

"This too shall pass."

Thinking of getting that quote/saying tattooed on me; something I need to remember, so badly in some moments, but can't quite seem to.

Maybe having a permanent reminder will help. And maybe I'm going to end up completely covered in tattoos of inspiring and uplifting quotes.

If that's what it takes to remember, to live, breathe, not take everything so seriously.. then shit. I'm in.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Saturday, January 14, 2012

I wanted to blog but I'm really not sure what I want to talk about. So randoms, it will be.

  • My cousin and I went to Niagara Falls last night. She was on the hunt for Burt's Bees body butter, that you apparently can't get in Canada right now. So we stopped at Target (my first time - I was in love!), Walmart and Rite-Aid, where the guy pegged us as Canadians riiiiight away (damn that accent, eh) and was mildly offended when we referred to where we were as Buffalo. We were actually in NF.. so, oops? I find that the Canadian side of Niagara Falls is very bright, loud, beautiful, tourist-friendly, etc. and as SOON as you cross the border, it's dark and kind of deserted. Sad. If you ever get the chance to visit the (Canadian side!) Falls, do it. It gets "old" for us who have been many times, but it really is something to see.
  • Lain was only supposed to be gone for a week this time around (business trip) but since the job was nowhere near completed, his boss extended that for another week. Boo! Having time to myself is cool, I don't mind it. I just miss him. And being in this basement alone, especially in the winter, is no fun.
  • It snowed for the first time this season, the other day. It was brutal. My normally 20-minute commute turned into two-and-a-half hours of inching along, sliding out, almost crying and texting (while I was dead stopped, don't worry) my co-worker that I was THISCLOSE to turning around but I just couldn't. I was too close and had too much to do at the office. Thankfully by the time I left at 4:30, the roads were clear and my commute time was back to normal.
  • I'm almost at the end of my car-buying journey. I spent Friday afternoon calling around getting the best quote for insurance. Got a great deal through a member at work. Lain even wants to switch over and bundle with mine. When we get house insurance, we'll throw that in as well and get some nice savings, hopefully. Pretty sure I've decided on a 2012 Mazda3 Sport. I'm going with that unless I get to the lot and find a 2009-2011 used car with low km's. So that's exciting and downright scary.

niagara falls. by car. at night.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


my view of the marilyn monroe buildings while walking to my car.

i love this picture of Lain. this was from a long time before we dated. so young!

organizing life. thanks les, for recommending!

the view from my desk.

mucho technology. and my notes. there are usually way more but i get shit done. SO.

taken at 7 a.m. when i arrived at our monthly breakfast event. it was
so gorgeous, the picture doesn't do it justice.

Monday, January 9, 2012

The Lakes of Canada - The Innocence Mission.

Melatonin-induced ramble.

I used to make lists, in high school.

My OCD had gotten particularly bad so this was one way that I could (try to) keep sane, while I actually felt like I was bat-shit crazy. Not that that has changed..

This one day, my cousin and her friend come by to hang out. I was shy as hell and actually really despised her friend but didn't want to seem un-cool, being a minor-niner and all. So I welcome them in, bring them snacks and shit and let them make themselves (too) comfortable in my bedroom.

I'll back-track and explain what I meant by lists. My compulsive thoughts convinced me that if I didn't write down and instruct myself such mundane things as.. take a shower, wear your uniform, take the bus, etc., something bad would happen. It's almost as if I didn't trust myself to remember to do the same things I always did, every day.

I also used to check my alarm clock, the front door lock, oven, 2324 other things, a million times, almost until I was in tears. But let's not go there in this post. I could write a novel.

My cousin and her friend zeroed in on the lists about the same time I realized they were out in the open.


They read them out loud. And laughed. "What the fuck, Jordan? Why would you write this shit down? CAN'T YOU REMEMBER TO SHOWER AND DRESS?" It was mostly the friend; I think my cousin understood in her own way and obviously loved me enough not to make me feel like complete shit about it. But it was high school, so she laughed, too.

I'm not even sure where I'm going with this story. I just wanted to share it. I'm struggling right now. I don't know if it's winter, stressing myself out over work/life/adult decisions or just plain old depression but something's gotta give. I can't do this anymore. I'm not living and the little that I am doing, I'm not enjoying all that much. My life skills are shit. Decision making is basically non-existent. I just want to enjoy life..

I've talked to someone before. A psychologist. I'm in the process (have to call her receptionist) of booking another appointment to do some targeted work. And then we'll see how it goes from there. I've tried to get help before and not really made a big effort to change or help myself. Well I want this time to be different. I need it to be, or, I don't know.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

:: Thinking of getting this for myself, as a late Christmas present. I've wanted one for years, have vinyl I'm itching to play, but nothing to play it on.

:: Pretty much hacked all day. My poor lungs. I was hoping this sickness would be gone by now but I'm starting to feel feverish again. Like, really? Wtf body.

:: Browsing this menu and drooling. Going there for eats next week with some pretty awesome people.

:: I've become a crazy brooch lady. It was owls for a long time, and I still love them, but I've started onto brooches. I got 4+ for Christmas; just addin' to my collection!

:: It was -26 with the windchill today. That, I declare, should be illegal. Anyone want to move to California with me?

Monday, January 2, 2012

Whole lot of nothing.

Back to work tomorrow.

I'm not dreading it; getting back into a routine will do me good and seeing the people I work with always makes me happy.

Lain's sawing logs but I'm anxious. Like it's the first day of school or some shit. Anxious about getting things done, on time. I always feel like I'm not doing enough. Pretty stupid, huh?

I read a good quote earlier today.. "The only time you fail is if you don't try."

Well said, anonymous wise-person. I want this tattooed on my body, stat. #4 on my 12 for 2012 list; maybe I just inspired myself to cross this one off? Only thing needed is a lot of booze & I hear that's not allowed when being tattooed. Am I wrong about this one? Secretly hoping so!

/End ramble.
missing the mountains badly. we need to go back.

christmas puppy! otis is such a good model.

our first meal of 2012. clearly starting things off healthy. i took this picture for krista!

lain drives and i take weird, moving car pictures. and i love them.
NYE, on our way to brantford.

us on NYE, before heading to hang out with friends. can you see our excitement for 2012?
it's there! so excited to see what the year brings!

12 for 2012.

I hate resolutions. They leave me feeling, a) silly that I even thought them up b) like a failure because I usually don't complete many of them. So in 2012 I say, "fuck you, resolutions."

Instead, I've made a list. A smattering of things that I'd like to
complete/do/see/experience in 2012. If they don't all get crossed off the list, well, 2013 is another year with plenty of time to work on last year's unfinished goals.

1. Buy a house. We've been talking about our first home since about year one of dating. It's been a long time coming and I'm so excited to see what the future holds for us, in this regard. We've talked to Lain's dad about wanting to start looking, attending open houses, narrowing down potential areas to look, etc. so it's starting to feel a bit more real. Our own space to live and grow; it'll be a dream come true.

2. Visit NYC again. This dream is already in the works! Booking for late June.

3. Buy a car. Mazda3, perhaps? It's what I'm leaning towards!

4. Get a tattoo. This has been on my list/mind forever. I'm just too scared and can't commit to a design. Sigh!

5. Start a business. This is a BIG one on my/our list, people. I've been daydreaming about working for ourselves, doing something we love, for a long time now. I love crafting so it may be something "small" like an etsy-type shop or something as big as a food truck.

6. Learn to sew. A dream of mine since I was little. I think my first real project will be to make an apron.

6b. Sew a dress. This obviously hinges on whether I complete the goal previous to this. I hope I can - I've always wanted to be able to create clothes, etc.!

7. Go on two trips. NYC is a definite but Lain and I are talking about trip number two, which may be a Caribbean cruise later this month! We'll see if we can make it happen.

8. Meet at least two blog friends. I'd love to meet all of my close bloggy girls but I'd settle for meeting two a year. ;)

9. See a psychologist/counselor. Did this in 2011 and I still need the help in 2012. Now more than ever. I suffer (mostly) silently sometimes and I have to stop being afraid to admit that I have issues. I really struggle with decision-making, goal-planning, communication in relationships and a whole handful of other fun things including insane anxiety and negative self-thoughts. I just can't anymore. Life is too short to hate yourself.

10. Love my body and take care of it. I've never really been one to love my body, or even like it, for that matter. Body issues have always been with me. I need to start appreciating it though, no matter how much I hate my weight, etc. It's the only body I have, it keeps me alive and experiencing and that in itself is amazing and should be appreciated. Lain loves me exactly the way I am and tells me multiple times, daily. I need to find the same love for my body, as he does.

11. Appreciate Lain. I'm great at saying nice things about my handsome man, but I'm not always so good at showing him how much I love him. He does so much for me and for us and I can take it for granted sometimes. I never want to do that anymore. He means the world to me and I want to show him. He loves spending quality time together - planning meals, cooking, working on projects, talking about house stuff - so all of that, we will do. He gets excited when I want to cook a meal myself and create something yummy. So that, I will do. He loves when we spend time snuggling in bed together (aww), so that, we will do. More living, communicating, experiencing, laughter, understanding, compassion, respect, and love. I want it all for us.

12. Be creative. This doesn't just mean one area of creativity; I want to be more creative in many areas. My creative goals are: Cook two meals per month; Take at least ten photos per month; Complete one craft project per month; Take dance/fitness class(es) sometime during 2012.

I might add to my list throughout the year but I think this will do for now. I always say I want change but I have a hard time actually doing anything different. 2012 is going to be different, I promise.