Melatonin-induced ramble.

I used to make lists, in high school.

My OCD had gotten particularly bad so this was one way that I could (try to) keep sane, while I actually felt like I was bat-shit crazy. Not that that has changed..

This one day, my cousin and her friend come by to hang out. I was shy as hell and actually really despised her friend but didn't want to seem un-cool, being a minor-niner and all. So I welcome them in, bring them snacks and shit and let them make themselves (too) comfortable in my bedroom.

I'll back-track and explain what I meant by lists. My compulsive thoughts convinced me that if I didn't write down and instruct myself such mundane things as.. take a shower, wear your uniform, take the bus, etc., something bad would happen. It's almost as if I didn't trust myself to remember to do the same things I always did, every day.

I also used to check my alarm clock, the front door lock, oven, 2324 other things, a million times, almost until I was in tears. But let's not go there in this post. I could write a novel.

My cousin and her friend zeroed in on the lists about the same time I realized they were out in the open.

Fuck.

They read them out loud. And laughed. "What the fuck, Jordan? Why would you write this shit down? CAN'T YOU REMEMBER TO SHOWER AND DRESS?" It was mostly the friend; I think my cousin understood in her own way and obviously loved me enough not to make me feel like complete shit about it. But it was high school, so she laughed, too.

I'm not even sure where I'm going with this story. I just wanted to share it. I'm struggling right now. I don't know if it's winter, stressing myself out over work/life/adult decisions or just plain old depression but something's gotta give. I can't do this anymore. I'm not living and the little ..living that I am doing, I'm not enjoying all that much. My life skills are shit. Decision making is basically non-existent. I just want to enjoy life..

I've talked to someone before. A psychologist. I'm in the process (have to call her receptionist) of booking another appointment to do some targeted work. And then we'll see how it goes from there. I've tried to get help before and not really made a big effort to change or help myself. Well I want this time to be different. I need it to be, or, I don't know.