The cheese.

It's a little corny but I want to write down a memory from this past weekend that I don't want to forget.

Cousin's wedding up north. Family and friends a'plenty. Booze flowing. Feet sore from dancing.

My brother walks up to me on the dance floor, puts his arm around my neck/head and gives my sweaty forehead a big kiss.

My brother and I don't always get along but he's got my back and I know it. And vice versa. It's a good feeling. I got to dance a lot with Captain Mikey that night and I'm a lucky girl for it.

Sibling love. <3 br="br">

P.S. My brother is a Pilot, hence the silly name. He was one of my cousin's groomsmen so it was even printed that way in the program at the wedding, hah.

Today I feel so low. I rack my brain, trying to think of things to do, to be productive and to make me happy. And then I get this familiar feeling of sadness, and realize that no matter what I do right now, I'm not really enjoying the time.

I need an escape from the basement and my thoughts but things that I consider doing, I wonder why I'd ever think I'd like doing that. Or waste my time on that. Because I'm just not going to enjoy it, anyways.

It's a sad feeling, one that I've known before. I can't shake it. Maybe getting a job and some routine will help, but, I didn't feel like I was enjoying life even before I was let go.

What the hell am I here for? I know there's a bigger reason, for all of us. But what is mine? I need to make some decisions and start living and enjoying my time? I've said this a bunch of times before but now is THE time.