Late night drives.

I wanted to blog but I'm really not sure what I want to talk about. So randoms, it will be.

• My cousin and I went to Niagara Falls last night. She was on the hunt for Burt's Bees body butter, that you apparently can't get in Canada right now. So we stopped at Target (my first time - I was in love!), Walmart and Rite-Aid, where the guy pegged us as Canadians riiiiight away (damn that accent, eh) and was mildly offended when we referred to where we were as Buffalo. We were actually in NF.. so, oops? I find that the Canadian side of Niagara Falls is very bright, loud, beautiful, tourist-friendly, etc. and as SOON as you cross the border, it's dark and kind of deserted. Sad. If you ever get the chance to visit the (Canadian side!) Falls, do it. It gets "old" for us who have been many times, but it really is something to see.
  
• Lain was only supposed to be gone for a week this time around (business trip) but since the job was nowhere near completed, his boss extended that for another week. Boo! Having time to myself is cool, I don't mind it. I just miss him. And being in this basement alone, especially in the winter, is no fun.
• It snowed for the first time this season, the other day. It was brutal. My normally 20-minute commute turned into two-and-a-half hours of inching along, sliding out, almost crying and texting (while I was dead stopped, don't worry) my co-worker that I was THISCLOSE to turning around but I just couldn't. I was too close and had too much to do at the office. Thankfully by the time I left at 4:30, the roads were clear and my commute time was back to normal.
• I'm almost at the end of my car-buying journey. I spent Friday afternoon calling around getting the best quote for insurance. Got a great deal through a member at work. Lain even wants to switch over and bundle with mine. When we get house insurance, we'll throw that in as well and get some nice savings, hopefully. Pretty sure I've decided on a 2012 Mazda3 Sport. I'm going with that unless I get to the lot and find a 2009-2011 used car with low km's. So that's exciting and downright scary.
  

niagara falls. by car. at night.

Work.

my view of the marilyn monroe buildings while walking to my car.

i love this picture of Lain. this was from a long time before we dated. so young!

organizing life. thanks les, for recommending www.teuxdeux.com!

the view from my desk.

mucho technology. and my notes. there are usually way more but i get shit done. SO.

taken at 7 a.m. when i arrived at our monthly breakfast event. it was
so gorgeous, the picture doesn't do it justice.

The Lakes of Canada - The Innocence Mission.

Melatonin-induced ramble.

I used to make lists, in high school.

My OCD had gotten particularly bad so this was one way that I could (try to) keep sane, while I actually felt like I was bat-shit crazy. Not that that has changed..

This one day, my cousin and her friend come by to hang out. I was shy as hell and actually really despised her friend but didn't want to seem un-cool, being a minor-niner and all. So I welcome them in, bring them snacks and shit and let them make themselves (too) comfortable in my bedroom.

I'll back-track and explain what I meant by lists. My compulsive thoughts convinced me that if I didn't write down and instruct myself such mundane things as.. take a shower, wear your uniform, take the bus, etc., something bad would happen. It's almost as if I didn't trust myself to remember to do the same things I always did, every day.

I also used to check my alarm clock, the front door lock, oven, 2324 other things, a million times, almost until I was in tears. But let's not go there in this post. I could write a novel.

My cousin and her friend zeroed in on the lists about the same time I realized they were out in the open.

Fuck.

They read them out loud. And laughed. "What the fuck, Jordan? Why would you write this shit down? CAN'T YOU REMEMBER TO SHOWER AND DRESS?" It was mostly the friend; I think my cousin understood in her own way and obviously loved me enough not to make me feel like complete shit about it. But it was high school, so she laughed, too.

I'm not even sure where I'm going with this story. I just wanted to share it. I'm struggling right now. I don't know if it's winter, stressing myself out over work/life/adult decisions or just plain old depression but something's gotta give. I can't do this anymore. I'm not living and the little ..living that I am doing, I'm not enjoying all that much. My life skills are shit. Decision making is basically non-existent. I just want to enjoy life..

I've talked to someone before. A psychologist. I'm in the process (have to call her receptionist) of booking another appointment to do some targeted work. And then we'll see how it goes from there. I've tried to get help before and not really made a big effort to change or help myself. Well I want this time to be different. I need it to be, or, I don't know.

In motion.

:: Thinking of getting this for myself, as a late Christmas present. I've wanted one for years, have vinyl I'm itching to play, but nothing to play it on.

:: Pretty much hacked all day. My poor lungs. I was hoping this sickness would be gone by now but I'm starting to feel feverish again. Like, really? Wtf body.

:: Browsing this menu and drooling. Going there for eats next week with some pretty awesome people.

:: I've become a crazy brooch lady. It was owls for a long time, and I still love them, but I've started onto brooches. I got 4+ for Christmas; just addin' to my collection!

:: It was -26 with the windchill today. That, I declare, should be illegal. Anyone want to move to California with me?

Whole lot of nothing.

Back to work tomorrow.

I'm not dreading it; getting back into a routine will do me good and seeing the people I work with always makes me happy.

Lain's sawing logs but I'm anxious. Like it's the first day of school or some shit. Anxious about getting things done, on time. I always feel like I'm not doing enough. Pretty stupid, huh?

I read a good quote earlier today.. "The only time you fail is if you don't try."

Well said, anonymous wise-person. I want this tattooed on my body, stat. #4 on my 12 for 2012 list; maybe I just inspired myself to cross this one off? Only thing needed is a lot of booze & I hear that's not allowed when being tattooed. Am I wrong about this one? Secretly hoping so!

/End ramble.

missing the mountains badly. we need to go back.

christmas puppy! otis is such a good model.

our first meal of 2012. clearly starting things off healthy. i took this picture for krista!

lain drives and i take weird, moving car pictures. and i love them.
NYE, on our way to brantford.

us on NYE, before heading to hang out with friends. can you see our excitement for 2012?
it's there! so excited to see what the year brings!

12 for 2012.

I hate resolutions. They leave me feeling, a) silly that I even thought them up b) like a failure because I usually don't complete many of them. So in 2012 I say, "fuck you, resolutions."

Instead, I've made a list. A smattering of things that I'd like to
complete/do/see/experience in 2012. If they don't all get crossed off the list, well, 2013 is another year with plenty of time to work on last year's unfinished goals.

1. Buy a house. We've been talking about our first home since about year one of dating. It's been a long time coming and I'm so excited to see what the future holds for us, in this regard. We've talked to Lain's dad about wanting to start looking, attending open houses, narrowing down potential areas to look, etc. so it's starting to feel a bit more real. Our own space to live and grow; it'll be a dream come true.

2. Visit NYC again. This dream is already in the works! Booking for late June.

3. Buy a car. Mazda3, perhaps? It's what I'm leaning towards!

4. Get a tattoo. This has been on my list/mind forever. I'm just too scared and can't commit to a design. Sigh!

5. Start a business. This is a BIG one on my/our list, people. I've been daydreaming about working for ourselves, doing something we love, for a long time now. I love crafting so it may be something "small" like an etsy-type shop or something as big as a food truck.

6. Learn to sew. A dream of mine since I was little. I think my first real project will be to make an apron.

6b. Sew a dress. This obviously hinges on whether I complete the goal previous to this. I hope I can - I've always wanted to be able to create clothes, etc.!

7. Go on two trips. NYC is a definite but Lain and I are talking about trip number two, which may be a Caribbean cruise later this month! We'll see if we can make it happen.

8. Meet at least two blog friends. I'd love to meet all of my close bloggy girls but I'd settle for meeting two a year. ;)

9. See a psychologist/counselor. Did this in 2011 and I still need the help in 2012. Now more than ever. I suffer (mostly) silently sometimes and I have to stop being afraid to admit that I have issues. I really struggle with decision-making, goal-planning, communication in relationships and a whole handful of other fun things including insane anxiety and negative self-thoughts. I just can't anymore. Life is too short to hate yourself.

10. Love my body and take care of it. I've never really been one to love my body, or even like it, for that matter. Body issues have always been with me. I need to start appreciating it though, no matter how much I hate my weight, etc. It's the only body I have, it keeps me alive and experiencing and that in itself is amazing and should be appreciated. Lain loves me exactly the way I am and tells me multiple times, daily. I need to find the same love for my body, as he does.

11. Appreciate Lain. I'm great at saying nice things about my handsome man, but I'm not always so good at showing him how much I love him. He does so much for me and for us and I can take it for granted sometimes. I never want to do that anymore. He means the world to me and I want to show him. He loves spending quality time together - planning meals, cooking, working on projects, talking about house stuff - so all of that, we will do. He gets excited when I want to cook a meal myself and create something yummy. So that, I will do. He loves when we spend time snuggling in bed together (aww), so that, we will do. More living, communicating, experiencing, laughter, understanding, compassion, respect, and love. I want it all for us.

12. Be creative. This doesn't just mean one area of creativity; I want to be more creative in many areas. My creative goals are: Cook two meals per month; Take at least ten photos per month; Complete one craft project per month; Take dance/fitness class(es) sometime during 2012.

I might add to my list throughout the year but I think this will do for now. I always say I want change but I have a hard time actually doing anything different. 2012 is going to be different, I promise.